Twenty years ago
I discovered the power of writing things down my paper
Expressing angst and longing and anger
First an outlet and than my college major
Blogging and journaling on the side
It’s what I knew, like a second language
When I couldn’t articulate an out loud opinion or what was on my mind
But it came with crying and raging
Debates and unbelieving
Doubts and questioning why
The truth can be subjective
It was just my perspective
And those experiences are still valid
I typed a little less
Kept the deepest shit in a crevice
It took time to acknowledge reality
Told to stop the tears
Unless someone was sick or dying
Violence against my body and emotional abuse. somehow I’d brought it on myself
Well damn the differences in understanding
I won’t ask for permission to be vulnerable, express and make meaning
Of scars and scrapes and heartbreak
Don’t say this is my gift now use it
Then lose your cool when I do it
Just because you don’t like how it’s done
Some stories are uncomfortable
Personal histories can’t be fixed or rewritten
Instead of pretending, ignoring, or lashing out
Practice having empathy and compassion
When it comes to pain and healing, there’s no statue of limitations
I’d keep it in until the sun went down
When the rest were asleep
By then the moment had passed
Too tired to weep
Trauma gets stored up in your system
If you don’t let it out in healthy ways
Manifesting itself in chronic conditions
Struggles with eating
Figure obsession
Fatigue and joints aching
Anxiety
And depression
I’m an emotional person
I don’t like to hide behind curtains
Or wear stoicism like a badge of honor
It’s not about malice, or sadness, or what’s deemed “negative”
But releasing and breathing and experiencing peace of mind
I’ve lived a unique life thus far and I have things to say
My experience has shown me the power of adapting
Perhaps suggesting let’s try this a different way
It can be a challenge when self doubts slinks in
In the form of questions and accusations and no conversation is productive
I write with passion and purpose
Choosing words that hopefully educate, enlighten, and uplift
People can choose to read it or leave it
That’s the power of freedom
And I will write
Despite being afraid
alyxkoch.wordpress.com 