It’s midsummer, and I’m taking a respite in the vintage wood-paneled basement so that I’m not exposed to the frequent heat/air conditioner dynamic. My lady lair, as I call it, one of two places where I can recharge and focus without interruption. It’s hard to believe how fast this season has gone, but I suppose it’s natural to feel that way when you’ve been making up for lost time in terms of social outings and get-togethers. In a weird way, I miss the extended periods of rest without the guilt (or wondering what I could be doing that would be considered productive). I try to take at least one day a week to get creative or just let myself be, even if I don’t get fully dressed or only get out of bed to eat and drink coffee.
After being fully vaccinated, I was eager and ready to move forward. I started a new job, and was simultaneously starting to do physical therapy (because pap smears, using menstrual products, and physical intimacy should never be associated with searing pain, regardless of what anyone says). I was finally tackling and making progress in important areas of my life, which was empowering and boosted my confidence as an adult and a woman. One step forward…
…And maybe one or two steps back.
It happened out of nowhere, and initially I thought it was just the typical muscle strain. But I knew something was off when it seemed as if my entire body could barely hold itself up. I was losing my balance and falling in random places, and could barely carry a cup of coffee at times. And then there were the aches, present throughout the day but would especially flare up at night. Not painful per say, but more annoying than anything. I have, and still continue to experience it in my arms, fingers, heels, elbows, as well as my legs. I wondered if it was just a symptom of trauma showing up in physical form from the pandemic, which is why it took time for me to make an appointment with my doctor. That, and I was afraid of being given a list of things that I couldn’t do anymore.
After an extensive blood test, the results didn’t come up with any serious diseases (which I’m grateful for), and I have an appointment with a specialist next month. I suspect I know what it is based on some research I’ve done, though I’ve tried to avoid Googling anything in order to avoid unecessary anxiety. I’ve been told that I’m just looking for trouble, but I’m only trying to be proactive. There isn’t a whole lot out there about nutrition and health in adults with CP, and I’m in a unique situation where I’ve been physically active and healthy for most of my life. One of my biggest fears is losing my independence; there’s still a lot I want to do, and that includes living on my own, and having a partner (and possibly children). But ultimately I want to show up and be part of the full experience, whether that’s part of my personal life or my career.
Come what may, I’ll figure it out and adjust accordingly. I always do.
But I do want to feel good in my body again (which I haven’t felt since I was training for a 5K race in college). Coping with all of all of these things (pelvic pain, achy muscles/joints, etc) can be a very isolating experience. Pelvic pain in particular is something that not a lot of women talk about, and not a lot of professionals in the medical field know about. I continuously fight off the whole “am I enough over here?” and fight through when a lack of empathy tries to tell me that I’m not. I refuse to let any of this change who I am fundamentally, and I refuse to let anyone deter me from what I want to accomplish. In terms of support, I do appreciate people asking about updates and being checked in on. But if nothing else, it’s nice to be reminded that I’m not dealing with these things alone.
One day at a time, one foot in front of the other.