I learned to like the feeling of love
From boy bands and Disney movies
Blue prints on friendship came from books surrounding preteen babysitters
Saturday mornings were all about cartoons and lucky charms (mostly the marshmallows)
Social outings were planned in advance on long-corded phones
In my generation, technology didn’t start out “Smart”
Cue the hormones, the highlights, a trifecta of “designer” (cheaply-made) fashion
Grew out of Barbie’s, but never cared for Bratz
I was too busy sneaking rich-girl stories and racy romance paper backs
Screen names had to be cool yet chill
Afternoons and in between post dinner homework were for AIM
But behind the choker necklaces
It was like the girl I knew was being choked out of me
Attempting to blend in to survive
I went to really dark places
Without the angsty lyrics or black under eyes
Everyone but me knew I was trying too damn hard
And when I cried and asked for help
The solutions were oversimplified
Tone down the writing and get offline
At fifteen I was rocking bangs (that didn’t really bang)
Switched from public to private high school
An education that came with uniforms, exposure to small town life
Insert music becoming auto-tuned
Wearing perfume like a flower
Still going to church for a boy
I wasn’t interested in sneaking out
But I read Cosmopolitan at my summer job
(Guess was that was)
You either had to be an athlete or a theater kid to find your place
I was neither
So I suppose high school was just a stepping stone
Welcome to campus!
I was more than ready for independence
To leave my old identity behind
Classes were for sweats
Weekends were for Express tops and leggings
Toeing the line between stylish and modest
But never go makeup-free
Because I never knew who I was going to meet
Dreaming through the walks with my iPod nano
Recovering from a night out with Gossip Girl and One Tree Hill
The happiest I’d ever been
But to stubborn to call my family when the struggles set in
That life was a bubble
And I lived in my head
More people were spontaneous
I still made plans
My racing thoughts manifested in what was called anxiety
I was pretty damn proud of myself for going to therapy
But I resisted medication, believing I’d have to give up drinking
I craved experimentation and exploration
But didn’t have the language for when my body was disrespected
A cycle of shame and questioning why it all happened
The birth of dating apps made it all so confusing
I didn’t feel safe or trust men in private or public
I wrestled with God, Purity Culture, and the ever-divisive political climate
Reflecting on those years
It’s not about finding myself, but embracing who I’ve always been
Things that I tried to hide or deny
Multiple things can be true at once
I have regrets, and I didn’t know better
A college degree is not the key to everything
Communication can be easily misinterpreted by what’s on a screen
Social media no longer revolves around bumper stickers, superlatives, and showcasing one’s personality
It’s all news and views (and being “right”)
I’m conflicted with maintaining a presence
While not getting sucked in
I own (and love) my “Barbie Energy”
Advocating for myself professionally and medically
Call me entitled, but I deserve good things
I continually honor the girl I’ve been
And honor all the facets of the woman I’m becoming
Trying to be kinder
More compassionate
Gentler
More myself
Even when there’s doubts, frustration, and even tears
I don’t cringe, but rather giggle
And I’d hug that girl repeatedly
That girl who now sings and dances to Taylor Swift
Accepts her body (as best as she can)
Has Big feelings
What was then still matters
It has shaped me
It has moved me
The good
The bad
And the in between
Making sense of yesterday
To celebrate today
This poem was inspired by Kate Kennedy’s “Once In A Millennial”.