Love Right

My last two dating relationships have involved caring for guys who were battling some form of addiction. I often found out much later, when they couldn’t hide it anymore. I did eventually set boundaries, and I’m grateful and proud of that, but yet still processing how to move forward. I’m much more aware of what I need, and what I can ultimately handle, but am still learning. And I know I’m not alone in that.

I fell under false pretenses

A mirage

And while I suppose we all see what we want to see

In those we love (or envision loving)

I took what was presented to me

Stable, gentle, strong, sensitive, yet not quite vulnerable

And while I didn’t hit the concrete

They didn’t catch me either

It was more like being dropped

One carried demons

Hurts and fears and anxieties 

That he couldn’t hold himself

Instead, drowning in drink

Reckless words and actions

Professions forgotten by the next day

And I held him too

With shaky hands

Walking a fine line

Of supporting without succumbing

A lover

Not a mother or a therapist

The next walked in on a cold city’s night

His touch, secure

A job, not tied to his past, and a life

A man’s man, I thought

He acted like a partner from night one

We got comfortable; perhaps too comfortable

My only qualm, his lack of depth

Nothing came up naturally

And the burden of broaching subjects fell on me

Here I was, terrified of bursting the bubble

It did anyway

Promises of stability, even commitment

Then silence

Anger, along with the linger of teenage cologne and cigarettes 

Fading as a year passed

Time and spoken truth were enough to push me forward

Until he tried to grab me again

Claiming he had been wronged

When he was truly running from wrong he’d done

One that resulted in serious consequences

Days I wasn’t in his arms,

 He was trying to avoid concrete walls and metal bars 

I never knew until then

He still asked for a second chance

I couldn’t go there again

When it was out of pity, and not the possibility of love

“I’m a magnet for the addicted”

I lamented

Compassionate to a fault

I understand that brokenness is real

But I don’t want to lose myself

It’s not about your past, or black and white

But love is loving well, and loving right

I believe in transparency, sensitivity, and imperfection

Grace upon grace, as they say

Yet what is grace, without personal responsibility?

Face your darkness, and own it

Before saying that you want me

You need me

Or I’m your everything 

I’m my own being

Not a half to a whole

Nearly drowning in other’s messes is getting kind of old

I need to be supported too

Let me get a word in edgewise

And me cared for too please

2 thoughts on “Love Right

  1. I love your phraseology and your beautiful message!! Thanks for always being vulnerable and sharing your heart in such an inspirational way!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s