That Place

 

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Monday Morning wakes me

The sun instead of an alarm

I’ve gotten used to sleeping a little later than usual

Instead of up and going, I lay there debating

How to move when my body doesn’t want to

 

An aftershock due to a loss of money (and routine)

A decision made in the same way week, not regrettable

Yet affecting me emotionally more than I originally anticipated

Ultimately, it’s the disconnect from those that I care about

Isolation

The need to hide everything

 

This funk is not unusual

Now accompanied by an absence of hunger

And motivation to actually feed myself

[Anything other than wine, coffee, and chocolate, because comfort]

Too thin, they say

Don’t waste away, they say

But what if I did?

That’s the surprising difference

It’s not sadness

But indifference

Almost hopelessness

 

Is it better to go through the motions?

Just ride it out

Like I would a physical sickness or virus

Or do I drag my ass around in an attempt to normalize this ball and chain?

Especially when “self-care” feels like bullshit

Take a shower before noon

Exercise

Eat some damn food

Despite the gagging and stomach cramps and overall fatigue

SMILE, they say

Little victories lead to betterness

Oh fuck off

But instead I just say “fuck life”

 

And I know it’s bad

When I don’t want to write

My saving grace

My soul’s escape

Or read

Without my thoughts going off in a million directions

Podcasts and sermons make me fidgety

What do I talk about in therapy?

 

I pray for strength

The ability to get through it

But I’m more concerned for the people around me

How to tell the truth

Without being a burden

When they’re all scattered around the country

And even the world

I don’t need shame or to be scared into getting help

I need support, though I can’t say what that looks like exactly

A hug or a listening ear goes a long way

Or just know what’s going on

And don’t tell me you can’t unless you’ve tried

Don’t run away unless you’re taking me with you

 

This blackness, this thing is scary

But I’ve spent far too long in speculation

It’s time to get some answers

Though it might a long road

Please be patient with me

Educate instead of assume

Ask questions instead of giving quick fixes

This is not your fault, and it’s not mine either

I’m human, not broken

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