How Do You…?

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One of my friends since childhood recently passed away, an accident that neither I nor many others saw coming. We grew up together, and his family has become like family to me (and they’re part of the reason why I know and love God like I do today). After attending the funeral I realized that I am a much better writer than a talker, and it has helped tremendously as I celebrate and give thanks for his life. But like all of us that love him, I’m still grappling with questions, trying to find a way to continue on (as he would want me to) while still grieving.

How Do You?

 

The night before

Celebrating, laughing, and dancing

City lights surrounding

Unaware of

The news to come

 

Then come morning

The phone ringing

Knees shaking and eyes blurring

Questions racing

“What do you mean?”

“How can this be?”

Heading in my hands

Anguish

Jesus, where are you?!

 

How do you process what feels like a bad dream

A reality that doesn’t seem true or make any sense at all

How do you pray when you feel like screaming?

And cursing the circumstances

 

A day of mourning

Black and blurry

Many people, many tears

Overwhelmed by the weight of reality

How do you say goodbye

When all you can do is cry

Out to the creator of all things

Holding each other up, sometimes literally

And sometimes in prayer

Words are few

But thoughts are plenty

 

Laid to rest

The person passed

Yet the storm still rages on

How do you move forward without guilt?

As though you’re leaving a brother, son, and friend behind

You don’t want to ignore what happened

But you can’t stay in the dark either

 

So the question becomes

How do we live a life of meaning?

When imperfections blaze like wildfire

How do we love deeper?

To honor who we lost

When our human-ness gets the best of us

Not numbing

But not getting caught up in the bullshit either

 

These feelings

This process

Like fire and rain

They come in waves

Something sparks a memory

And memories spark emotion

You don’t forget

Because you can’t

 

And though heaven is without tears

We’re still wondering down here

What to do, who to be

What “normal” is anymore

More questions than answers

But reassurance

A reunion will be on the other side

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