On Seasons and Unknowns

 

It has a name, but no face

A complex kalidescope of possibilities, fears, and emotions

Stretching far beyond what we know or imagine

Easy to acknowledge when we have ground to stand on

When the sun is shining

Yet a different story when life takes a turn

 

I had originally intended to write this as a poem, a way of trying to be expressive without giving too much away. Strangely enough, the words weren’t coming to mind as they normally do, yet I’ve still experienced a desperate need to write. It might be messy and a little confusing, as I’ll save some of the details for when my heart isn’t so heavy. But this is real life, and I’ve realized that the best way to navigate all the craziness involved is just to be open and be true to who I am.

It might have been a quick trip to cloud nine and back, or just a small detour because two people were in different emotional places. There’s this assumption that I set my hopes too high in the beginning, but I simply wanted to have experience and to not hold back in the process. I did just that, and it turned out to be one of the most beautiful and genuine relationships I’ve had in a long time. It was fast, but it was also natural and open and real.

I wasn’t ready for it to end, but he wasn’t ready for me.

 

***

Not too long ago it was possible to say “I don’t know” with confidence and ease. I knew that what I had in those moments was magical, and I wanted to savor it. I’ve never understood the point of waiting for the right moment to let yourself be happy, or seeing if the other shoe drops before breathing a sigh of relief. A long season doesn’t necessarily guarantee that things will work out the way you want them to, but nor should a short season end in regret and questioning everything that happened. I know that I showed up and gave that relationship and those job interviews everything in me at the time, and I could be myself in the process. Recognizing that I made these decisions for the right reasons is what’s getting me through the gray stuff. And recognizing that God works in mysterious ways, which are way higher than mine.

I used to hate the unknown, mostly because the anticipation scared the crap out of me and I couldn’t prepare or brace myself for the impact. I’m still not a fan of it because having some idea is calming and doesn’t allow my mind to wander too far off. But when I look back on everything else I’ve been through, it serves as a reminder that I’ll always get to the other side. It takes time and intention, but eventually I feel OK.

And that is the question: not, where am I going next, but, when will I feel OK again?

Learning to live in the tension of acknowledging the here and now while still making an effort to move forward.

Waiting patiently for what I dream and desire, yet still being proactive, assertive, and engaging with others.

Showing up and being present. Knowing that I can only control and be responsible for my own actions, and not others.

Having faith. Growing and evolving. Hoping for the future.

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I read this passage constantly as a way to not get distracted and stay grounded in my faith. It still applies now as much as it did a month ago.

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