Reckoning (For New Life)
Once broken down to the bones
By my history
Pain so intense, tunnel vision at an all-time high
Angry and defiant, desperate for influence
Screaming on the inside
Venturing to dark places for relief
Obvious feelings without the words to express them
Make for awkward conversation
Translating high expectations without the intention
Perceived discomfort leading to my taking responsibility
When supposedly rejected
Silence created stories in my head
To ease the dread of not having answers
Insecurity bred anxiety
Anxiety bred impulse
Out of character
I had become a stranger to my own self
It took a hard thing to give me pause
A conversation that became a dead reckoning
Distance and disconnection was tearing me apart
And tearing me away from those that meant the most
That I was not myself
For over a year
Buried underneath resentment
Trapped in my own vengeful thoughts
Many moments where I questioned
Where bitterness rooted down
Why I built walls, instead of setting boundaries
Escaping to cope
But trapped all the while
Darkness does not go without remnants
Storms do not settle without aftermath
Many unknowns lie ahead
Fear of repetition peeks its head out of the shadows
At least every once in a while
I ask for forgiveness
For lashing out against loved ones
For clinging to false distractions
For being self-centered
Such actions and emotions were a disguise
As a longing for close relationships and intimacy
A desire to know and be known
But what I see now is the miracle of grace
Embracing the here and now
Who we are and where we’re at
Trusting in what we cannot predict
Believing not in forgetting, but in learning and loving
It is what it is

Let it be

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