Transparent Sanctuary

I wrote this while waiting for a church service to start last weekend; it was definitely a think-out-loud moment, as I’ve been working figuring out how to move forward, away from the craziness of the last year. It seems simplistic, self-explanatory, even; but that might be because starting over is a lot like learning how to walk again, especially if you’ve been stuck in an unhealthy way of living for a very long time.

Transparent Sanctuary
I am afraid
I’ve been so for thirteen years
Cowering in the corners
Of my mind
Allowing pictures of misconceptions
Stemming from past words spoken
I fear
Not being enough
Unable to meet the needs
Of a significant other, a lover
Leaving without warning
Already distanced from those
I’ve grown up with
I’m hesitant
To write
About my perspective
To acknowledge
The Reality
To express my truth
Of who I am
And what I’ve been through
For repercussions lurk around dark corners
I know
It’s not about me
What I did or haven’t done
Despite what I once believed
I’m not responsible for
The choices of others
I cannot bear blame
Or burden
For what’s out of my control
But the challenge is to let go
And leave what was alone
I want
To rise above my past
What is realistically, now only memories
To be vulnerable
Be comfortable with asking
For what I need
To share my life with those around me
Loving deeply, purely, honestly

And so it is

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