Poetic Wrestling

When I’m struggling or wrestling with something, I usually try to express myself through poetry before anything else. This stems from an incident that occurred not too long ago, and it’s really making me look at my past choices in terms of the relationships I’ve had, as well as who and what I’ve allowed to be in my life. It has me frustrated and somewhat scared; however, It seems to be a matter that a lot of people can relate to. I don’t know how long it will be before I write a blog about it, or even if I will. But for now, I’d like to share these words: 

Knowing, Learning, Needing 

What I know

Hey Boy
I see you in the crowds
In the dark corners, just waiting
Eyeing me the way a child looks at a favorite toy
You come over slowly, trying not to appear too eager
“Hey beautiful” or “hey sexy” instead of asking my name
And while I silently agree to dance with you
I refuse to spend the whole time running or fighting
That doesn’t mean my body is yours for the taking
I once traded dignity for kisses, but keep vowing not to anymore
But then your hands go where they don’t belong
Though in the moment I freeze, after I am furious and ashamed
I wish I could be brave instead of being tiny
Hey Boy
I see your pretty eyes glazed over from that beer
Our history written in the memories of wild shenanigans
You come off as selfish, careless, a wrecking ball
Both a blessing and a curse, I sense layers of pain in your life
Wanting to understand and relate to you
My compassionate heart views you as one who’s simply human
Maybe a little bit lost, but aren’t we all?
Still, I can only do so much to care for you without neglecting my needs
So I wait until we cross paths, then put my arms around you
Holding you close to me for a minute or two
As your whisper “hey girl” like I matter for the moment
Praying as you walk away
That I won’t ever get that life-altering telephone call
What I’m learning

Sweet man,
I don’t know if you’re in my life already or if the time has yet to come
Maybe you’re here, then again I once was wrong
I’m trying to be careful and not do anything foolish
Real love is not meant to be feared or avoided
But not to be taken lightly either
You’re the kind of man that I view with respect and admiration
The kind that motivates me to be the best that I can be
To be a better person
It’s not just about feelings, but how we treat and take care of each other
We’re not one above the other, but equals
What I need
It’s a battle when the voices of culture take place of God or intuition
There’s recognizing what you want, and more so what you need
Taking the steps to get there is the hardest part
Feeling blinded by the lack of example
Confused by all the advice
Sick of the same old song and dance
Wanting more
Yet still trying to shed what I’ve been raised in
I’ve had enough test runs

I’ve been created for the real thing
It’s a matter of trust, letting go, and embracing it

photo credit: Will Montague via photopin cc

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