Stream of Consciousness: What’s New

I’m almost done with my second week of senior year, two words that still sound somewhat weird when I say them. Normally by this time I would be exhausted, both my mind and body aching for rest. While I still get tired (and a little overwhelmed), along with missing my family, those things don’t occur with as much intensity as they have in the past. I feel at peace, and my perspective just keeps growing. Part of it might have to do with what happened this summer. Part of it might be that my faith has been reawakened, which I’ll elaborate on at another time. And part of it might be that this is my last year of college: I have some of my closest friends in the same area, as well as my own personal space, among other things. Out of all of the goals that I’ve set for myself for this particular year, the top one is to just enjoy it. Don’t get lost in the stress (or BS) that usually comes with being a college student, which for me usually involves worry and/or becoming anxious a lot of the time. I could go on, but I don’t know to phrase it. I suppose one sum it up as experiencing a growth spurt in maturity.

I’ve started working with a new, individual counselor this week. I love group therapy and all, but I was getting to a place where it felt more appropriate to be one on one with someone; I started to realize that I was dealing with specific issues, issues that were very hard to address with five or more people. When I have multiple tidbits of advice and various points of view coming at me at one time, it gets confusing. At first I thought I could do both, but quickly figured out that it would be too hard and too time consuming. It took a couple of weeks, but I eventually got in contact with someone who specializes in what I’m trying to work on. Perhaps this has more to do with where I’m at in both my faith and my life, but thus far it has been one of the most powerful counseling experiences I’ve ever had.

This is the first time I’ve ever done Lifespan Integration, not to mention with a Christian therapist. I don’t want to detail the experience on here right now because I’m still processing it for myself. It was beautiful and incredibly spiritual, but also very overwhelming: every time I would open my eyes, I would be in tears without actually meaning to cry. By the time it was all over, it might as well have had an out-of-body experience (and perhaps in some way I did). Throughout the rest of the day I was slightly groggy and found it tough to concentrate on anything else. And that was only one single memory. 

But I can say without a doubt that I have never felt more free and at peace with that particular situation then I feel right now. There’s no depending on the future to make everything better, or putting hope in what cannot be guaranteed. There’s just here and now. From that I can also say that I understood what it truly means to let go and give it all over to God. Again, I’m still trying to piece together the details for myself; I may not even discuss it until all the memories have been worked through and put to rest, just because it’s that deep. 

A friend once told me that there are some things that only God can heal. Initially, I had no clue what she meant, other than assuming it was reading my Bible and suddenly everything would make sense. But now as I look back on it months later, I think I finally get it. 

I don’t know what will happen, but part of me has a strong feeling that whatever it is, it’s going to be really good. This is only the beginning.

photo credit: blinkingidiot via photopin cc

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