Stream of Consciousness

Aside from a few bags, I’m pretty much all unpacked and settled back into my apartment. As much as I enjoyed being at home, winter break had well worn out it’s welcome. The last two weeks weren’t exactly a picnic, since most of my hometown friends had either gone back to school or were working a lot and we weren’t able to get together. 

The biggest annoyance was probably internal; I’m not at liberty to go into detail about it at the moment, but I’m in the midst of watching a very sad and disheartening situation play out. It is not something that I don’t  directly have to deal with, but it does affect me in a variety of ways and it’s a tough thing to process. I have days where I don’t know what to think or believe. I have days where I wonder where God is in all of it, and if the promise of not having to pay more of a price due to someone else’s choices will be delivered. 

But that’s the beauty of being away from home; as it was at the beginning of first semester, my line of thinking is the same this time around; I’m living my own life now. I’m no longer a child who has to be stuck between two people that I deeply love and care for. Yes, it hurts more than I can describe. But when all it said and done, some burdens are not my responsibility to bear. 

With that being said, there are other aspects of my life that I do need to focus on right now. Since a new semester isn’t exactly a clean slate (and my final grades from my previous classes weren’t the best that they could have been), academics are definitely a top priority. I’m not going to predict what I’ll have do just yet, because I haven’t even attended my first full week of classes. But I will have to work hard and apply myself more if I want to raise my GPA. 

I’ve spent a lot of time going through some deep healing, and I want actively live out those changes. I’m not going to let myself become overly bitter about what I just mentioned above, along with other difficult challenges or experiences that I’ve faced in the past. Self-pity happens, but it doesn’t have to happen all the time. 

So if I need to say something for the sake of saying it, I will. If I want to do something because it makes me happy and it’s good for me, I will. I can’t live life just sitting down with my arms crossed and my head down. Instead, it’s time to put my defenses down and let other people put their arms around me. 

Along with being emotionally healthy, I’m setting a goal to be physically healthy. As the first half of the year progressed, I would run out of energy so easily and so fast. I brushed it off as something that just came with being mildly handicapped, but then I came to the realization that it had a negative effect when it came to being around other people. So it’s not just about the exercising, but about eating healthy food and making sure I get enough sleep every night. Physical and emotional health go hand in hand, and I’d like to have a decent balance of both. 

And as I type this, my eye-lids are starting to feel somewhat heavy. I am blessed and grateful to be back at school and to have new opportunities to grow in faith and love. No matter what lies ahead, I’m keeping this verse in mind: 

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for I am with you wherever you go
-Joshua 1: 9

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