Stream Of Consciousness: Stagnant

I’m currently at a loss of knowing what to write this week. Don’t get me wrong, my creative wheels are always cranking at full force; I have a boatload of ideas and topics in mind, and am always coming up with more. It’s just that there are times where I don’t feel like I have the emotional energy to publish those ideas right away; almost as if I have to work through my own thoughts and opinions before I can genuinely discuss it. And sharing fairly deep posts week after week seems mildly overwhelming, which I’m sure every serious blogger deals with or calls into question. Or I’m probably just not ready to talk about it, especially if it has to do with something personal.

Plus, I want to be authentic with my readers; and if I were to act like I knew everything all that time, I wouldn’t be telling the truth. 

Right now it’s almost like my life isn’t really going anywhere in particular. Or maybe it’s not that, but more of seeming like I’m going around in circles, or taking one step forward and than two steps back. There are mornings during my quiet time when I feel absolutely nothing; no stirring of peace in my soul or a verse/passage that speaks to my circumstances in some way. There are moments when I will pray for God to take my burdens, but yet I don’t feel any lighter. I realize that I’m not going to feel uplifted every single day, but I wish it wouldn’t leave my heart so heavy either. 

I’m experiencing a season of healing, and it’s taking quite a bit of time, as well as patience. I think that’s where the not moving part of it falls in; sometimes I believe that I am progressing, and other times I just do the same thing over and over again. 

That’s why I get frustrated; I want to leave this crap behind me, yet it’s not always as simple as “let it go.” 

Words and thoughts are one thing; habits are another. 

I did something very refreshing yesterday. For that day in my journal-devotional, Jesus Calling, it talked about not constantly venting to other people, but working it out with God first. So I kind of made a list/prayer about everything that’s been bothering me lately, from not having actual creamer in my coffee to constantly acting skittish whenever I walk around campus at night. It felt good; not because I was forsaking gratitude, but because I wasn’t  mincing my words and being honest about where I was at. 

A friend recently relayed to me the GPS analogy; that you’re never given directions way ahead of time, you’re only told where to go and when about a mile before you get there. 

Perhaps that’s why life has seemed to slow down, almost to the point of stopping. It’s not because I’m not going anywhere, but because I haven’t gotten close enough yet. 

Until then, I’m choosing to be patient instead of testy. To pray instead of trying to figure it all out myself. And ultimately, to do my best to make the most of where I’m at, instead of desperately wishing and waiting for when I can be someplace else.

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