Stream Of Consciousness: Safe And Cozy

Whenever someone asks me “hows it going?” or “how are you doing?” it takes a little bit of time for me to answer. Depending on how well I know the person, I might say that I’m pretty busy; I have something going just about every night, between homework/studying, small group/student organizations, working out, counseling, and trying to have a social life on top of it all. It is quite the load, but it’s one that I’m enjoying.

Other times, I might say that my life is currently divided up into two series of moments; moments filled with joy, gratitude, and ease. Then there are days when I become frustrated, bitter, sad, and even a little scared. The latter often occurs late at night as I’m trying to sleep, which I’m currently trying to find ways to relax so that kind of thing doesn’t happen as much.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I’ve realized that there are certain broken relationships in my life that I’m not at peace with. It’s very much a personal thing, and one that realistically, I have been trying to cope with for years. Yet, somehow I always end up back at square one. That is, I miss them and I start thinking about them almost all the time. I’ve definitely reached a point where just getting on with my life no longer works, and this itch or longing needs to be addressed.

One of the biggest lies that anyone will tell you is that time heals all wounds. If you keep yourself busy enough and fill your days with other people and other things, then eventually you’ll stop hurting. Better yet you will wake up one day and not be able to remember the last time you thought about your pain or trauma.

That has never happened to me, ever. While I’ve been down that road before, it has never helped me in any way. Come to think of it, I was ultimately trying to put an emotional band-aid on my heart, either by clinging to my circumstances or looking to other people. Nothing was ever resolved.

I don’t have all of the answers, and I don’t expect anyone else to either.While I do confide in a few close friends about the whole thing, I’m extremely selective about it, and I make it clear that often times I need prayer more than I need advice. When I receive too much input, my thoughts become clouded and I begin to doubt myself. Many people can be extremely negative and cynical as well; sometimes I feel like I’m surrounded by the message that I should hate those that hurt me, and carry that hatred with me so that I don’t get hurt again. Hatred is not in my nature, regardless of what happens. While I do get angry and don’t always forgive right away, I can’t actively hate another person. I just don’t see the point and feel it does more harm than good. 

More than anything, I need to feel safe with who I’m confiding in.

One of the things that is helping me to balance out negativity/pain and joy, is giving thanks and reflecting on all that I have. At the end of each day, I write down five things that I’m grateful for, have learned, or occurred. I love taking the time to pray in the morning, and even read a passage or two in my Bible. Not only is it a good way to begin my routine, but it helps me to clear out the cobwebs in my mind and focus on God. 

And although I don’t know exactly where He is in all of this or what He’s doing, I know that there is a time for everything. Regardless of what happens down the road, I’m doing what I can to be present in the moment. I know what I have and feel extremely blessed by all of it. My friends, and the times we get to spend together through coffee dates, football games, going out on the town, or just ordinary stuff. I am fortunate to live where I live and to come home to a place that is so nice and cozy. And when I think about how far I’ve come and what I have accomplished thus far in college, my heart fills with gratitude. 

Yes, I’m experiencing a little bit of pain right now, and there are certain aspects of my life that are both confusing that uncertain. But the one thing I know for sure is that God is good, and that all I can do is live life through each day and trust that the pieces with eventually come together, whenever that may be. 

Amen.

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