Stream Of Consciousness: Slugging Along

It has been a slow week; after getting back from Wisconsin last Sunday night, all I wanted to do in the following days was lie around and empty my mind of all the thoughts and stresses. I had a lot to catch up on as far as school work and daily chores, but most of the time I didn’t feel like I was being incredibly productive. And if there’s one thing I don’t like, it’s having a multitude of days where productivity just doesn’t happen. On top of that, I had a test yesterday where according to the internet, I did not do well on. But as the saying goes, all you can do is get up, dust yourself off, and keep going. 

I wrote my brother a letter for the first time since he left for Basic Training. From what I’ve gathered based on pictures that have been posted on Facebook (not by him, but by photographers that take pictures and put them on some kind of website), along with other letters he has written, he is doing pretty well out there. On Monday morning he’ll be marching three miles to Jack’s Valley and spending the next couple of weeks in what he described as “pure hell.” I’m not sure what that means exactly, but all I know is that I couldn’t be more proud of him for choosing to do what he is doing. 

It never dawned on me until recently just how much I admire him for going to into the Air Force. Although there are other members of my family that have served in other branches of the military, I never got to hear very much about what they did, or see videos/pictures of it, or miss them each and every day while they were gone. When you have a parent or a sibling choosing to serve, you get to see a lot more of it up close, and therefore, the impact is a lot bigger. And not that my brother and I were particularly close, but it’s strange not having him around. On the flip side, I do get to see him over Labor Day weekend, thankfully!

In two weeks, I will unofficially be moving into my new apartment; that is, moving my furniture in and getting everything set up. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve very excited to be starting this new sub-chapter in my life, but I don’t want to look too far forward into the future or think that living on my own is going to be the answer to everything. That has always been one of my biggest weaknesses; being overly dependent on my circumstances and having high expectations. I think it’s because I am very much a dreamer and tend to paint a picture of what a situation would be like if it were completely perfect. But I’ve learned the hard way that what we want and what we actually get are two different things. 

My goal from here on out is not to lower my expectations, but to not have any expectations at all. Instead, I want to be in the present moment and find joy in each day as it unfolds, and to be open to whatever God has in store for me. Despite my insecurities flaring up from time to time, there is really nothing worth over-thinking about or worrying about. 

For now, I have other things to focus on; I have three and a half weeks of class left, and am working on editing a story of mine that I plan on submitting for publication once I am done with it. I’d like to make a couple of ventures into the city, and catch up with a few other friends from home before the summer is over. I’m continuing to grow spiritually and becoming more grounded in my beliefs. 

When life moves a little bit more slowly than usual, sometimes it can get a little frustrating. But it enables me to focus on the here and now, which when it all comes down to it, is all I have.

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