Stream of Consciousness: Summer Changes

Coming home has always been a double-edged sword, particularly this time around. I got out of a bad living situation and have learned to treasure the time that I get to spend with my family. Thus far, I have wonderful memories of memorial day weekend, my grandparents fiftieth wedding anniversary celebration, and Father’s day. I love taking trips to the grocery story with my Mom (Ok, anything involving shopping, really). I love seeing movies and getting coffee afterward. I love being able to catch up with friends that I haven’t seen or even talked to in a long time.

This time around, I’m more aware and I’m comfortable with that awareness. It used to be that whenever school let out for the summer, I would constantly become anxious and frustrated; there was this big hype of “summertime and the living is easy!” This romanticized notion that everybody was always doing something and hanging out together. For the longest time, I felt  a little jealous and left out.

But recently, I had a conversation with someone over the phone, where we were basically talking about how our schedules either consisted of work or school. Sometimes both. And it dawned on me that as you get older, summer isn’t really “summer” anymore. Sure, they still have their days of chilling out and having fun, but it’s more about work and/or doing something in terms of your future career. It’s bittersweet, but it is also part of life.

Oddly enough, I no longer fear being by myself for long periods of time. Not to say that I’ve become anti-social; rather, I’m learning how to appreciate my alone time and not see it as a bad thing. I’m getting to know myself more through journaling, and learning how to make time to pray and connect with God. It’s especially nice because I struggled with finding that time during the semi-chaotic months of living up at school. But more importantly, I’m learning how to step away from all that craziness and center myself each day. 

However, being home has always been emotional; I come back to circumstances that to this day have not been exactly resolved, nor have I found any peace from it. And that’s the toughest part: being able to find contentment in where I’m at, in the midst of what can be confusing and down right painful

I do miss school; I miss the independence and being able to go where I want, on my own time. I miss the closeness and community with being there; Bible Studies, movie nights, random adventures. I miss going out with my friends. Most of all, I miss the emotional intimacy. 

A couple of nights ago, I had a dream that seemed completely out of the blue. I was sitting in a car and while texting a friend, I said “I just need you to hold me right now.” Silly as it may be, that’s all I remember. 

Is it strange to easily remember how it felt to have a certain person put their arms around you? Not exactly in regards to the way that this person made me feel, but quite literally, the memory of their touch. But that’s for another time and another topic. 

I’m at a point where I’m not looking too far back, and I’m not looking to far forward. I’m trying to make the most of right here and right now; I don’t want to wait for a crisis or some kind of dangerous wake up call to start enjoying the simple things. 

Things might change, but you never know what kind of blessings those changes will bring.

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