Away From The Wall

I used to not see myself as adventurous type, let alone spontaneous; I have a bit of a type-A personality, mostly preferring to know what is going on ahead of time so that I can prepare for it in whatever way I feel the need to. I wake up unbelievably early to give myself enough time to get ready and have a little quiet time in the morning. I’m not one to wait until the day of to contact someone if I want to spend time with them. And I have this ridiculous thing about “needing” to figure out how I feel about a person or a situation, so that I can properly deal with it in the worst case scenario


There are people who spent most of, if not their whole lives living on the edge. I, on the other hand, have been living straight up against a wall, or at least as far away from the edge as I possibly can. 


In other words, I’m overly cautious. I think about things way more than I should. And sometimes I second guess myself, mostly when something doesn’t work out the way I thought it would, and I ultimately wonder what I should or shouldn’t have done. 


It’s been driving me absolutely crazy. Especially lately, where both a variety of good and not-so-good things have been happening and I can’t keep my feelings straight 


I would like to be a little bit more edgy, but not just in the traditional sense of jumping out of a plane or swimming in a tank full of sharks. When I say I want more adventure, I mean more of life’s little adventures; the kind of things that most do without thinking about, and may or may not be that big of a deal. 


More specifically, I mean things like going out on the town on a Friday or Saturday night without planning too far ahead of time. Treating myself to something special every so often and not fretting over my bank account. Telling those that I care about (both old friends and new friends) exactly how I feel, minus the fear, guilt or shame. Trying something new that may or may not be a little bit dangerous, yet not deadly. 


For most of my twenty years in existence, the only reason that I haven’t gone out on a limb on a regular basis is because of past decisions or painful situations. Without realizing it, I’ve avoided truly investing myself in any man for the last four years because I didn’t want to give it everything I had, only to question whether or not I screwed up if it went downhill. I always said to myself “I don’t want this to be like the last time” and somehow it always was. 


In general I have stayed close to the wall because I didn’t want to have any regrets; I didn’t want to look back and wish that I could have done it differently. 


Yet, I do look back and wish that I could have just done it, period; no worries about what comes next or how whomever will be affected by it. 


Despite all the advice that’s given about timing, there are circumstances where the “best” time or the “right time” is whenever you have the window of opportunity. And I know that because I went through that kind of experience last year. I wanted to introduce myself to someone, but I was intimidated and therefore hummed and hawed about it for a month. It turns out that I stressed out about the whole thing when I didn’t need to. 


Throughout the last month, the subject of control has become present in conversations, readings, and other aspects. I’ve written about it several times in previous posts, and the main message has become pretty clear: that there are times where you just have to let go and allow everything to work itself out. It might be scary and uncertain at first, it’s all right to map it out a little at a time. There’s no law saying that you have to have it completely figured out. 


We’re made to believe that certain choices should equal regrets.And while there are circumstances (like purposely hurting yourself or another person) that is grounds for remorse, not every bad decision has to result in “oh my gosh I should not have done that and I’ll never do it again!” I haven’t always made the best choices, but that doesn’t mean they were flat-out terrible. If you get even the smallest lesson out of it, who’s to say that it was pointless? 


There’s this somewhat overused quote that goes “It’s not about what you do, but who you’re with.” Again, there’s a ton of truth in that; my favorite adventures and experiences haven’t been wonderful not just because of what I did, but because of who was right there with me when I did it. 


If I’m going to embrace the idea of uncalculated risk, I want certain people in my life to be somehow involved with it. 


For example, I made what one might call a Bucket List for 2012; I kept it within a year’s time frame, that way I am more likely to just do it. Among the tasks I want to accomplish are taking a roadtrip (without my parents), spending a ridiculous amount of money, staying out all night, and ride a moped. There are other things on there, but there a little more personal and I can’t quite guarantee that I can make them happen all within this year. However, I’m not going to say that I won’t try. 


Regardless of the mistakes that are made, who’s to say that you’re truly living if you’re not willing to have the full experience?

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