Stream Of Consciousness: Balancing Normal

Warning: this is somewhat of a rant; there may be some profanity and my thoughts may not appear to make a whole lot of sense. 

I don’t feel like myself.

 Actually, I’ve been caught in a funk ever since the week after my birthday and Dance Marathon. I initially suspected that it was because of the weather and not having a whole lot to look forward to, which is common for me at this time of the year. But then I noticed how I was so unbelievably freaking tired all the time. No matter what I did, I never felt rejuvenated. I slept for ten hours straight, both Friday and Saturday night this past weekend. I’ve been taking daily vitamins, trying to eat as healthy as possible, and I do what I can to work out at least twice a week. But even yesterday, I tearfully admitted to myself that I could barely function. 

I do think emotional stress has played a role as well. I’ve been trying to plan things with my friends on a constant basis and make stuff happen, but lately it has just been falling by the wayside. Nine times out of ten, all I want to do is get out of my apartment and do something other than sleep or watch a movie. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I almost feel like I’m back in high school again when I do it weekend after weekend. 

I mean, whatever happened to doing something simply because I wanted to, or because I felt like it? It’s not like I’m going out to get plastered or hook up with a creep. It’s more or less for the sake of getting dressed up and socializing with other people. 

I guess the one reason I enjoy it is because it makes me feel normal. (and by “normal” I mean that I feel like I’m living my life based on my physical condition). Not that I think that I’m abnormal,  but when I sit around constantly because I might over-do it,  it certainly feels that way. Not to mention that I’m living in a college town where I don’t need a car and pretty much everything is centrally located. For crying out loud, I’m twenty years old and I want to take advantage of that. As long as I’m being responsible for myself, I don’t see any harm being done. 

I just wish more people understood that; I try to tell it like it is, but it largely depends on who I’m talking to. I was discussing this with a friend recently, and I literally wanted to scream because we just kept going in circles. Sometimes I think it’s one of those things where you really have to put yourself in another person’s shoes and try to see it as they do before you can fully get what they’re saying. 

I know that college is supposed to be about getting an education; my Mother doesn’t hesitate to remind me of that. I also understand that doing one thing and immediately going on to the next is just a part of life. And now in particular, I have to start applying for internships and really thinking about what I want to do with my future. But I don’t want to become so wrapped up in it that I miss out what’s happening right at this moment. I want to make time to have my own experiences and take care of my personal relationships, 

I suppose it’s all just a balance thing, really. Every so often I get irritated because I’ve been doing this for over a year and a half, and I’m still trying to get the hang of it. Then again, maybe it’s one of those life challenges. 

Taking care of myself (physically and academically) Vs. Having a social life

Speaking up Vs. Letting go

Being compassionate and forgiving Vs. Having a backbone

Seizing an opportunity Vs. Waiting for the “right time” 

Staying positive Vs. Allowing myself to have an unbelievably crappy day

Planning Vs. Being Spontaneous 

Making it happen Vs. Letting it happen on its own

Telling the truth Vs. Not saying anything at all 

You get the idea, right? 

Again, this is more or just a rant; one of those things that I need to get off of my chest, and I’ll most likely figure it out somewhere down the road. Until then, I’m just going to do my best and have faith that everything will work out as it should.

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