Stream of Consciousness: The Lull And The Freak Out

The Holidays are officially over; the Christmas decorations have been taken down, and the house looks a little bare. Normally this would set me off into a mildly depressive mood; this time last year, I was itching to get back to school and wondering what in the world I was going to do for the next two weeks. I kept lamenting about how much I hated January. Overall, I was driving myself nuts. 

This time around, I have found myself viewing things a lot differently. While I still don’t like the weather and am still not a fan of suburbia, I have treasured the precious time I have spent with my loved ones. Christmas was absolutely wonderful; it was full of the usual humor and chaos, but without the over consumption of liquor or food. New Years Eve might not have gone quite as I expected, but it was still a night to be enjoyed, where I was more excited about celebrating the countdown to midnight and writing about my goals and aspirations for 2012. 

Although I do feel refreshed at the prospect of starting over and having a clear understanding about what I want, there are still moments where I become overwhelmed by all of it. Knowing that I have the ability to actually make stuff happen is a little scary; not because I wasn’t aware of it before, but because I didn’t try and thus am not used to it. 

For example, one of my goals is to cultivate my current relationships. A couple of weeks before finals, I had written a letter to someone that I hold very dear to my heart. It was basically about how I felt that we hadn’t been very close for a very long time, and how much I wanted that to change for the better. I came home and that person didn’t immediately indicate that they wanted to talk about it. After a week or two went by, I figured that it was one of those circumstances where one has to allow the passage of time to smooth things over. 

At least until recently. 

It wasn’t an incredibly long conversation. I think it will take more than one for the both of us to be on the same page. However, I wasn’t expecting it to take place and I felt slightly caught off guard by the whole thing. It was especially difficult answering questions without my voice cracking or breaking down completely. 

I did, however, allow the tears to flow once I was tucked away in bed. I wasn’t upset or mad at what had taken place, but I felt vulnerable, if that makes any sense at all. Now that I think about it, they could have been tears of relief. 

Which once again brings up a bit of truth: confrontation, facing reality, etc. still tends to want to make me shrink into a corner, because there are times when it can be so much to handle. In the grand scheme of things, I know that I have a sometimes make it harder than it needs to be. I get myself worked up when it isn’t necessary. Like when my Mother had to check my grades for this semester because I was too damn scared to do it myself; I didn’t want to bawl my eyes out during the holidays. It turns out that I got all the marks I wanted (and needed). 

So for anyone else that is experiencing that “oh my gosh, how am I going to do this?” emotion: take a deep breath and cut yourself a little slack. It’s perfectly normal to feel a little bit freaked out by personal change, especially if it’s drastic. Let other people know what your plans are so they can support you and hold you accountable. And don’t feel bad about not getting stuff done right away. In some cases, it’s very much a matter of easing yourself into it, or just taking a leap without over thinking it. 

On that note, I’m going to go make my 2012 bucket list. There are a few ideas that might seem a little bit unrealistic, but that’s another problem of mine: refusing to set a goal because it might not happen right away. Everyone needs to stretch themselves a bit. 

When you’re willing to put all that you have into something, you never know what could result.

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