Backhanded By Reality

Day 4-Storms

Big or Small…what obstacles did you overcome?

I must confess that metaphorically, I saw the clouds on the horizon through what I witnessed happening around me. I heard the thunder in the words that people spoke. I even felt raindrops every once in awhile. So in other words, deep down I knew what was coming, but out of fear and wanting to remain an optimist, I thought that I could slowly maneuver my way around it. Yet, reality has a way of catching up with me every time. 

Over labor day weekend, reality delivered its first slap in the face; so hard that emotionally it knocked me to my knees. Again, it wasn’t out of shock, but rather I was in so much pain. I hated the fact that my roommate and I weren’t best friends, that we weren’t doing everything together like I thought roommates did, and that I wasn’t able to be there for her and vice versa. I also hated the fact that I found myself in this predicament for the second time; I honestly believed college was going to be the time in my life where things would sort of get easier. 

Through that, there were other little tidbits: Regardless of my age, there are always going to be certain struggles present in my life, especially struggles concerning friends and social situations. Being in college doesn’t mean that people automatically mature enough to understand you or accept you. And just because someone can look you in the eye and promise you that they won’t physically leave, it doesn’t mean that they won’t find a way to do it emotionally.

The second dose of reality was given to me just recently. It has been ongoing since this past summer, and at this point I can’t say that I am ready to share exactly what it is; it is going to take some time to get things sorted out and right now it’s impossible to speculate how everything will go. Despite being made aware of it beforehand, it still stung to where I couldn’t feel anything else. 

Through both of those trials, I have learned this much at least: you can only be ignorant of something for so long before it crashes down on you. And no matter how much you prepare yourself for the impact of something, it’s still going to hurt. 

I won’t pretend that I have dealt with either of these things in the healthiest of ways; for a long time, I kept a lot of crap to myself, believing that not getting anyone else involved would somehow make it easier to handle. That, in turn, just made it harder because I was spending so much energy trying to put on a brave face and convince my loved ones that I was OK. There were also nights that I seriously considered going out completely by myself and just trying to numb myself against my feelings.

As the rain continues to fall, I have found comfort in something that I have struggled with for the last three years; faith. Faith in knowing that God is seeing and hearing everything that is going on. Faith in finding the ability to share these trials and tribulations with my friends, while not fearing any kind of judgement. And above all, simply praying that God will give be the strength and ability to get through it. 

I have no way of predicting what 2012 will bring in terms of these circumstances. One thing that I live by is that life is not about what happens to you, but how you go about dealing with it. Come hell or high water, I hope to continue facing my struggles with dignity, grace, and strength.

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