Stream of Consciousness #17

Let me just say that it is good to be home. The last couple of weeks have been trying for me; meaning, I’ve been trying to stay on top of everything that needs to get done by the end of the semester, yet not completely wear myself out by doing so. Trying not to despair about my living situation for next year, but trying not to get my hopes up at the same time. Trying to be strong, positive and living in the moment, while not trying to completely hide what is going on in my life.

I suppose I am the most stressed about figuring out where I will be living next year. After talking to various friends, I’ve gone to posting on my school’s off-campus housing website and using other servers that help people in finding roommates and apartments. There have been quite a few prospects, but thus far have either been complete dead ends, or just have not gone very far. It is a very long and frustrating process, one that I didn’t think would be as difficult as it has proven to be. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, but there comes a point where I wonder, why does the same thing tend to happen over and over again?

It has left me emotionally and physically exhausted; most times I would rather be sending out e-mails rather then doing current school work or actually take care of myself. I question whether or not there is anyone else on campus that is like me, or if I am just better off living alone.

The bigger dilemma is not that, but rather how to go about approaching this whole thing; in other words, not raising my expectations to ridiculous levels, yet refusing to settle for something that I am not comfortable with. That is honestly how I got myself into this situation in the first place; I refused to dig my heels in when I should have fought for something that I wanted, and I had this whole vision of how things would go with my roommate, when in reality she’s just not that kind of person.

As frequently as I do it, I realize there is little use in looking back and trying to figure out whether or not I did the right thing. Despite the warnings and despite my own fears that slowly crept up on me over time, I don’t regret any of it. It has been a learning experience, if nothing else.

At this point, all I can do is move forward with dignity and grace, doing the best I can with what I have.

I normally don’t do this, but I recently came up with something that I wrote down in my personal journal, and I thought I might share it. It might come across as harsh and even a little negative, but I see it as a simple truth that I am slowly learning to accept. 

I am beginning to understand and slowly accept a very difficult truth; life will always be somewhat crazy and it will never really slow down. There will always be things that need doing and goals that need to be set/accomplished. Once you solve a problem, there will always be another one to replace it. 

As disheartening as that sentiment seems, that doesn’t mean that life cannot be fully lived or appreciated. The trick is knowing when to grieve, when to think and when to just lay it all down and step away from everything for a little bit. Good times and special moments don’t just get handed to us for a reason; we’re meant to find them in the midst of all the chaos and to-do lists in order to not take them for granted. And if there’s one thing that I want to do this year, as well as for the rest of my life, it is to soak up every single moment that I can and not waste any of the precious time that I have.

So despite my frustration about next year, there have been some wonderful things that have happened this week. Although both were on different days, I was able to see and catch up with two of my close friends that I hadn’t really talked to in awhile. And I slowly moved past a small, irrational fear of mine when I asked one of them to give me a hug without going into detail as far as why I needed it. As I said before, sometimes just need to be held instead of launching into an all out venting session. 

When I came home Friday night, I was welcomed by my amazing family and my newly re-decorated beach themed room. I have to tell you, it makes me not want to go back to my apartment; it’s so incredibly calming and a great place to relax in. I absolutely love the beach and it was sort of why I seriously considered going to college in Florida. 

And tomorrow marks the beginning of the reunion for my entire family; my brother will be flying in from Colorado, where I will see him for the first time since the beginning of July. On Wednesday some of my cousins will be coming into town, and on Thursday we will all get together and my house for Thanksgiving. 

Life is beautiful, isn’t it?

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