Stream Of Consciousness #16

I’m lying in bed in an attempt to wind down for the night; after not getting a whole lot of sleep the previous week, I have made it a goal to at least be laying down by nine-thirty, ten o’clock. On a physical level, I’ve been dragging my butt around like a sack of potatoes. When I don’t get a certain amount of sleep/rest for a consecutive number of days, my energy levels deplete at a pretty fast rate. 

Despite what my previous post may have indicated, I wouldn’t say that life is crappy or that I’m headed down a bad path; on the contrary, it is almost the exact opposite! The effects of my recent personal decisions and choices have given me one thing that I haven’t felt in a very long time: freedom. 

Looking back on where I was at this time last year and where I am now, the contrasts are so incredibly different. It might be because I am in my second year, and/or it might be because I know more than I did back then. Whatever the reason, I am in a much better place right now. 

Two of the key things that have given me that sense of freedom are 1.) the fact that I have been sharing with others in regards to what I’m learning and experiencing. Once upon a time, I was absolutely terrified to tell anybody what was really going, especially my close friends and family members. Now that I am taking the time to talk with people, it’s like the heaviest of burdens has been taken off my shoulders. I’m not trying my damndest to hide anything. 

Now it’s not like I’m throwing a pity party or that I don’t know who to turn to. If there’s one thing I have learned, it’s that pity gets you nowhere. No, I am honest with people because I want them to know me. I write this, and in general, as a way of allowing people to get to know me. There is no sense of desperation or fear in that. 

The second thing that comes from that freedom is the ability to be more of myself: I laugh a lot, I frequently smile for no reason at all, and I find joy in the kinds of things that few people my age actually pay attention to. And the reason being for that is because am slowly but surely not caring so much about what others think, or how they might react. 

I call it the “wrapped up in a blanket” kind of feeling. You’re all warm and snuggly, as if nothing else matters because you’re doing what makes you feel good and what makes you happy. 

But of course I have my down days, and I’m learning to accept that that will happen at times. There are days where I just walk around frustrated with myself; I wonder, why in the heck am I still dealing with this stuff? Why can’t I just get myself together and start living my life? Why do I have to feel so small? 

On top of that, my stubborn pride is kicking in for a variety of reasons; mainly because the weather is getting colder and I normally have to make a few adjustments. That and I just don’t like being dependent on anyone. 

The best thing is that I am writing again; I actually just finished a story for my fiction class today. I don’t know when I will officially share, and it probably won’t be for awhile because of editing and doing other homework in the meantime. 

Nonetheless, I am grateful, and I am content.

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