Disclaimer: This is a very long and incredibly honest post. I started writing it in the middle of the night, so that is why the title refers to “late night.” In a way, I am venting. If you can handle that, keep reading. If not, feel free to exit out.
I’ve never been good at dealing with stress. I’m certainly not a professional at processing my emotions and feelings in ways that are both healthy, as well as justified (or at least making it appear that my feelings are justified).
Despite my honesty within my writings, I actually have a very hard time communicating and getting things out in the open. Lately, I’ve been finding myself feeling the same way I did when I was thirteen; trapped, frustrated and even a little scared. Even though I have been able to make peace with happened back then, I think I have always subconciously been one to try and keep it together until the last moment, where I can no longer emotionally or even physically take it anymore. The only difference, this time around is that the circumstances are different.
I will not expand very much on what these circumstances are, but it has a lot to do with things that have been going on for the last six or seven years. there has been a pink elephant standing in my house, one that I wanted to do anything but acknowledge it was there.
There is a lot more that has to do with my brother leaving for the Air Force, but that I will save for another time.
I now understand that not all is well. As I said before, I once again find myself frustrated and trapped. I get angry at times, so much that I literally want to scream. I’ve become somewhat resentful. And I tell people to leave me alone, when the truth is that loneliness is consuming me like no other.
So the question is not if I should deal with it, but rather, how should I deal with it. This is becoming the main question I ask myself whenever I endure any kind of trial.
I can either…
Talk About It-This is normally the most logical answer, regardless of whatever a person is going through. I’ve learned time and again, in terms of both my own experiences and others, that keeping silent about most upsetting matters does not work. It will gnaw at you and eventually eat away at your life until you feel practically dead inside.
But than it begs then question “Just whom do I talk to?” Over the years, I’ve learned that unfortunately you can’t talk to everyone about everything; there are those who won’t be able to understand, as well as those who won’t even make the effort to try and understand. On a personal level, it very much depends on how whomever I am talking to reacts to what I am telling them.
For example, some of my relatives have very strong opinions; they will either take sides, or most likely tell me that either I make things too complicated or that I don’t know how to appreciate what I have. That in turn will make me more defensive and hostile than I already am.
In terms of friends, it largely depends on what the situation is. Some of them don’t always know what to say, and I can’t necessarily hold that against them. There are some circumstances when one literally has to have walked in a particular person shoes in order genuinely empathize with them. Heck, there are occasions when friends have come to me and asked “why did this happen?” and I don’t have an answer.
Truthfully, I tend to feel guilty whenever I confide in my friends about something; as though I am just dumping my tribulations on their shoulders, when they already have enough going on in their own lives. But I’ll get to that later.
Ever since I’ve come back from school, all I’ve wanted to do (either through Facebook or phone call) is say “I need to talk. I need to be held. I need you.” In the past, they have been there for me more times than I can remember. But there is a part of me that’s terrified that they won’t be this time around.
Of course, there is also therapy/counseling. I have always had a love/hate relationship with that sort of thing. Mostly because the therapists I went to often made things worse, not better. The last time I went, the woman told me things that you should never tell a fourteen year old child. So at the point I kind of figured that talking to a supposed licensed professional wasn’t the best thing for me, even though I know now that it’s just a matter of finding the right one.
Journaling/Prayer-I admit that I haven’t always been a good “Christian”. As I wrote about previously, there are times when I’m really not sure as to what I believe in, specifically in regards to what is written in the Bible. However, that does not mean that I don’t believe in God or having a relationship with Him. When it seems like everyone else is far away and that I am left alone to fend for myself, it seems as though God is always knocking on my little caccoon and letting me know that I am not. And when it all comes down to it, spirituality has always been the one thing that has been a safe haven for me.
So that is why, whenever I’m going through a difficult time, I mostly ask people to pray for me.
And that is where journaling comes in; some days I spent hours writing down my prayers or random stuff that happens to come to mind. The thing with writing though, whether it be in my personal journal or on this blog, is that I usually have a lot to say. Sometimes when I write, I am gripped by fear of what others may think, or the overwhelming task of trying to get it all out on the table. So sometimes those writings go unfinished.
Pretend it’s not there or distract myself-Although not the healthiest way of going about it, this is normally the easiest thing for me to do as well as the path I usually take. Part of the joy of being away at college was that I could completely focus on myself; I didn’t have to assume the role of the older daughter of the big sister that tries to constantly be strong and/or keep everybody happy. I understand the selfishness in that kind of attitude, but it’s the truth. It’s one of those “out of sight, out of mind” cases.
There will eventually come a point where I either want to stop talking about whatever is going on, or not discuss it at all. So that is why lately I have been calling my friends so much; not to vent, but to make plans to spend time with them and focus on something other than my struggles. And I’m not saying that this always works, but when I don’t frequently discuss something, it becomes less of an issue. Ultimately, there are times when all I want to do is escape somewhere, even just for a little while.
Yet, whenever I acknowledge that something is wrong, I always feel some sort of guilt along with it. For instance, I think to myself “there are people who have lost everything in these recent tornadoes, so who am I to break down and cry?” And than when I think about specific subjects, I remember that I am actually only here for two months. Once I go back to school, it’s not really my issue to deal with anymore. In reality, it’s not even my issue to deal with in the first place, so why am I worried so much? Yet, when you literally have to feel it, or when it makes you afraid day in and day out, it does become your issue.
I don’t think that life sucks; there are days when I wake up and I think to myself “you know, maybe this whole thing isn’t as bad as I make it out to be.” And that may or may not be true. I don’t know whether to brace myself for an approaching storm that may just turn out to be a light rain shower.
In life, some days I see the flowers, and other days all I can feel is the thorns.
I know it appears that I am just lashing out or sounding completely immature. But I’m really not sure what else to do.