Stream of Conscience #9

For the last hour or so, I have sat at this computer, wondering what exactly write about; not to say that I don’t have thoughts or ideas, it’s just know what to write that A.) has meaning and/or B.) won’t cause friends and family members that read this to fret or worry about how I’m really doing right now. The truth is, I have to be emotionally motivated to write about a particular topic in order to communicate my words onto the page (or in this case, screen). And as of this moment, I’m not all that motivated to write what I initially intended to. Yet, when I forgo that for a bit and write about how I actually feel, I’m told that I make things “too complicated.”


But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that life can be, and often is fairly complicated. If it were simple, we human beings would have the ability to make our problems completely disappear into thin air; either that or it would be second-nature to ignore them. If it were simple, there would be no conflicts, no tears and all of life’s most burning questions could and would be answered. We would all be aware of our own purposes in life and not be stuck wondering which path to take or what to do about a particular matter. 


For me, I am currently stuck between working my tail off in order to do well this semester, along with wanting to go out and just completely let loose (which I do plan on doing so at some point or another). For the past couple of weekends I’ve stayed in and studied or done homework as opposed to going out; not by choice exactly, but because my original plans frequently fell through and I didn’t have much else going on. 


It’s no secret that I’ve begun to anticipate Summer; I miss the lake, my backyard, being able to do things without thinking about everything else that absolutely has to get done at some point or another. Granted, it will be busy in it’s own right, but only to a certain degree. 


I spending time with my friends, especially those I don’t see all that often. I know that life gets busy, that things happen and ultimately get in the way of being able to catch up, whether it be work, the weather, etc. I don’t blame anybody necessarily, but more or less the circumstances that happen to either surround or cut into things. You know that little Facebook thing that says “I don’t care if it’s for five minutes, I just want to see you”? If I had to wake up at three o’clock in the morning to go meet a friend somewhere, if only for a half hour or so, I would do it in a heartbeat. 


On the other hand, I don’t want to fall back into having the kind of attitude where one thinks “Ok, once this is over or that happens, than everything will be perfectly fine.” That kind of attitude enables a person to start depending on unreliable sources for happiness; in this case, you don’t know if something will indefinitely happen, and if it doesn’t, then what do you do? Or what do you do when it’s over? 


Along with that, I don’t want to come across as being selfish or ungrateful. I am not the most patient person in the world, as well as somewhat of an idealist. Being both of those things put together makes it hard for me to deal with being let down, especially it happens on multiple occasions. I have to remind myself that at least I still have the ability to communicate with them, in one way or another. If anything, it has taught me to cherish the times that we do have together, as well as not keep trying and not give up when something doesn’t work out right away. 


I may feel worn out with school and homework, but at the very least I have the ability to go wherever I want, and to do so on my own time. When I go home, I will be limited in that regard. I know that eventually I will miss being busy, eating out at particular restaurants, or going to certain places on the weekends. 


In the midst of all that stuff…


Life is certainly complicated; things happen for reasons we can’t explain, or sometimes for no reason at all. Nothing is ever clear-cut or handed to us perfectly assembled; we’re only left to make do what we have and trust that it will come together eventually. 


But that does not mean it should not be enjoyed; at some point or another, you have to put the books down and allow yourself to relax, even if it’s just for an hour or two each day. Make those phone conversations extra special, or use skype if it all possible. Take the opportunities when you have them, regardless of how big or small they may appear. When it all comes down to it, all you have is now.


The water is cold and deep, and the current is fast; but that doesn’t mean you don’t have the ability to enjoy the sunshine or catch a wave

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