Disclaimer: This post is rather long, raw and deep. I am saying a lot of things that I’ve kept quiet about for quite some time. If you don’t think you can take any of that, it would be best to stop reading.
My back ached from sitting in my desk chair for so long, yet I couldn’t move away from the current conversation. I read the words in the tiny little message box, quickly typing in “oh my gosh! I’m so sorry!” before hitting the send button and sitting back to absorb what she had just told me.
And it was also because I was finally being completely and one hundred percent honest with someone; not only did I tell her what I had been feeling over these last couple of weeks, but how the difficult times that I had experienced in the past related to those feelings.
I have made no secret of the fact that I have the hardest time opening up to the people around me, especially now that I’m moving into adulthood. I rarely ever talk about things that have happened either before or during high school; I personally feel that there would be little to no point in discussing those things, and they’re therefore redundant.
Yet they still tend to creep right back up on me; maybe not in conversation, maybe not necessarily straight in the face; but emotionally, they most certainly do.
From a certain point of view, one could ask what exactly is so hard about going to someone and simply saying “I need to talk”?
Number one, I see myself as a very strong an independent person; if I break down and tell someone about what I’ve been dealing with or how I feel about a specific situation, I’ll be viewed as the kind of person who is both needy as well as high maintinence. If there’s one thing I don’t want to do, it’s to become emotionally dependent upon anyone.
Number two, there is no telling what kind of reaction a particular person will have; I once confided in a friend (or at least he used to be) about drinking. He accused me of trying to impress him. There have also been others that I have tried to talk to about various things, but in the end have felt more lost and alone than I did previously. No one wants to be told (especially in a vulnerable state) that they’re full of shit and/or are wrong to feel a certain way.
There are times when a person wants anything but advice. They just want another to listen to what they have to say. To hold them. To know that someone else cares enough to do those kinds of things for them.
It’s easy to say that if the listener (or should I say desired listener) has a negative reaction and ultimately leaves you in the dust, than they’re obviously not a good friend and should not be in your life. But than there is a part of you that constantly wonders if you could have very well told them too early on in the friendship, or if the information was something that you should not have said at all.
I met a couple of people back at the beginning of the year whom I thought were going to be my best friends. One of them I hung out with pretty frequently, especially on the first two weekends when sorority rush was happening and I was not allowed to go out. We spent a lot of time talking; I think I told this person more than I have ever told anyone in the span of two weeks. This person was incredibly easy-going and I really didn’t have any concern with making myself vulnerable around them.
Out of nowhere, they began to act differently around me; now that I look back on it, they most likely were only there for me when it was convenient for them or when they benefited from it; and I’m saying such things because if neither were true, I believe we would still be friends right now.
It’s occurances like that that make you wonder, could I have done things differently? Maybe had I waited a little bit to talk about that kind of stuff, I wouldn’t have drowned a seed that had yet to experience a whole lot of growth.
In reality, any kind of lasting friendship or relationship takes time; you can’t rush hanging out with someone or having deep conversations with them. You can’t force any of it. You just have to let it happen when it happens.
I want so badly to be authentic; not just on this blog, but in real life too. There are a few specific people that I’ve met, that I would like nothing more than to completely spill my guts to; heck, there have been times when I’ve come pretty close to doing so (notice the long pause in the middle of a conversation and you’ll realize that I’m debating about it). The same goes for my family. It’s not necessarily all about my troubles, but also about my hopes, dreams, ambitions, etc. I want to share my heart.
But I am downright terrified.
I’m just so damn tired of being superficial; of saying some words out loud but the rest stay silent. That is why I write on this blog; I do not see myself as being particularly good at personally speaking about how I feel. Instead, I write; writing is the voice for the words that won’t come out of my mouth.
Our culture says that it’s everybody for themselves out there; if you’re not the last one standing, well than you’re SOL. It seems like young people are especially raised to see it that way. That no one else will never understand what they’ve seen, done or heard because no one else has walked in their shoes.
That is true to a degree: each of us is on a different journey, and we’ve all had different experiences. Yet at one point or another, we have all felt pain, loss, hopelessness and have to deal with hardship. We have all cried and ached. We have all stumbled and fallen.
We have all lived.
So instead of hurting others and trying to “survive”, why not help each other instead?
My point is, you never know just how much you can relate to someone unless you talk to them. Like my friend that I mentioned above, you can have easily gone through the same crap, only at different times.
Chances are, the ones we admire the most are struggling just as much, if not more than us
Chances are, the person you least expect to feel down and out might just need someone to talk to.
Chances are, you could be saving someone’s life, or vice versa.
So why not take a chance?