Stream of Consciousness #7

For the sake of forewarning, I will say that this post is somewhat more raw and honest than usual.

These days I’ve taken to viewing my life as something that’s similar to the gigantic backpack that I carry about campus every day: rather heavy and very much filled to it’s capacity most of the time. Not that I’m saying that either or both suck, because they’re actually helping become more resilient and a lot more tolerant, in a sense. However, it has certainly taken plenty of getting used to, and can be overwhelming at times. This is especially true when it comes to homework and studying (cue the “welcome to the English major” or “welcome to college” retort).

I’ve noticed my self-esteem going up and down quite a bit; and from that, I often become frustrated with myself. I talk so much about having confidence and not being able to accomplish very much without it, yet there are days where I feel so incredibly small, compared to the rest of the world. What exactly is so hard about approaching someone, especially if you enjoy talking to them? What is so hard about taking a friend aside and being honest with them about something that they’re doing? (or maybe not doing) And most importantly, what is so hard about opening up to someone- anyone- about how you really feel?

Deep down, I understand that I haven’t any sort of logical reason to be afraid; chances are, I am over-analyzing and over-thinking certain matters. At the same time, I am afraid; afraid of pouring my heart out to someone, only for he or she to react negatively to it. I’m afraid of allowing myself to vulnerable and allowing a person to truly get to know me, only to have them take advantage of me at some point. That has happened a couple of times, and in turn has made me rather wary; especially when it comes to guys. 

But I miss connecting with others; as of right now, I don’t think that there is one person at my school right now who knows almost everything about me. And of course I don’t want them to know every single little detail, but certainly well enough to see past the surface. 

I understand that relationships do take time to foster and grow; but it’s having the opportunity. Obviously, not every conversation is going to be deep and/or meaningful; I just hate having barriers. I want the freedom of being able to approach someone and say “I need to talk” without the fear of judgement or ridicule. 

On the other side of it all, there has been a lot of reminding; that is, reminding myself that we all have up and down days and cannot be happy all the time. In order for a seed to bloom (I would say flower but that sounds rather weird), you have to have a little rain as well as sunshine; you just can’t let yourself get soaked in it. 

And you can only do so much on your own; Despite that I have learned this lesson many times before, there will come a point where you have to tell somebody what’s going on. I pride myself in being a strong an independent woman and I don’t like the idea of having to constantly lean on someone. But that is what family and friends are for; to love and support and be there when we need them to be, as well as when they genuinely want to be. 

Most importantly, I have to remind myself not to let the tough stuff rob me of the joys that I am otherwise experiencing right now. To just put one foot in front of the other and to allow things to happen as they should. 

To understand that no one really has this whole college thing completely figured out, and that part of the journey is making mistakes and learning from them. 

To stop worrying and allow yourself to live.

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