Stream of Consciousness #6

I apologize for the irregularity of posting; I had quite a busy weekend and by Monday I physically crashed; and by that I mean I actually got sick. Much of the past three days have been spent on schoolwork and trying to get my immune system back up to par. But our bodies are like batteries; and I’ve learned that you can’t charge a battery and constantly be using it at the same time. In other words, trying to recuperate on a weekday doesn’t usually work, because you’re still doing things and not giving yourself time to relax.

It’s been a rather stressful time, all things considered. I’ve woken up every morning this week and have felt some sort of bitterness, often toward the weather (I really hate these below zero temperatures, and one can only walk around in layered clothing for so many months before it gets old). and the general feeling of fatigue (is there anyone in college that does not wake up feeling tired and/or does not feel tired by the end of the day? If so, please teach me your ways). There are also friendships in my life that have somewhat been in limbo; one day they’re kind to you and the next they act like they barely know you. 

Letting go is one of those things that I’ve never been particularly good at, especially in regards to people. But I’ve come to learn that despite how hard it is, one does eventually get used to it. Right now I’m just at point with a situation that I’ve been dealing with since October or November; there are only so many battles you can fight before it becomes too much. Deep down I think I’ve always known what needed to be done, yet I wasn’t sure how to go about it exactly. 

Gosh, I hate feeling so down and out; I understand that everyone has to deal with pain at times, but its rather annoying when you’re trying to pull yourself out of it and for some reason it just keeps yanking you back down. I’ve come to believe that any type of pain should ultimately make you stronger, not bitter.

What’s really getting me down is the fact that I haven’t had a hug in a very long time. Does that sound odd? probably to someone that isn’t touchy-feely like I am. Sound even more odd? Go read Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages,then you’ll understand what I’m talking about. 

I’m not talking about those five second hugs you give or receive when you’re meeting them for lunch; I’m referring to actually having someone hold me. I don’t know how long it’s been since that has happened. Someone once told me awhile back that you don’t have anyone there to hold you when you need it. I honestly think that’s complete crap, by the way. But that hasn’t still made me shy of asking anyone to do it. 

I don’t want to come across as needy or childish, but I desperately miss having someone’s arms around me. It doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with safety or security, but rather something that I’ve been used to all of my life. It’s comforting; that has become especially true when I go through rough patches, as I mentioned above.

Sometimes, I don’t want to re-hash the situation or try to sort through my emotions. I just want someone to hold me for a little while. 

For now, I’m just going to go take a nap.

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