There’s a popular phrase “what you see is what you get” that is frequently slapped onto celebrities and well-admired folks around the world (although by now I’ve seen that the media does not always tell the whole story). As much as I would like that to be true for both myself and my life, it most certainly isn’t. No, I’m not saying that I BS people and try to be someone that I’m not; frankly, I consider myself to be one of the worst liars in the world. In fact, most people have a way of somehow picking up when I’m not being honest or truthful.
Not to mention other things….
- Pride-Some may call it a habit, others a tendency. Nevertheless, I can be a rather prideful person. It’s the reason why I drag baskets of laundry up and down there stairs and why it often takes me so long to get ready for any kind of social function. I hate asking for help, even though I know I should. Pride is what makes me the independent person that I am, as problematic as pride itself can be. It goes hand-in-hand with not wanting to be a burden to anyone; I want people to look at me and think of who I am, not necessarily what I have.
- Fear-There are times when I’m downright scared to show, or even talk about my feelings. Over the years, certain people have come into my life, only to take advantage of me and then leave at one point or another. I don’t know why; perhaps I am too trusting as a whole, or the fact that I verbally say “I trust you” when I’m completely comfortable and willing to open with someone. Most of the time, this happens with the opposite sex. There is also the factor of being judged or looked down upon; there is nothing worse then trying to confide in a friend (or at least you thought you were friends) and having them get pissed and accuse you of trying to impress them. It does hurt, in one way or another.
To put it simply enough, there are times when it really isn’t anyone else’s business but my own. A little mysteriousness never hurt anyone, right?
On the other hand, privacy has it’s own set of woes. Personally, I felt like I didn’t find a core group of friends my freshman and sophomore year because I built walls around myself. There’s that feeling of isolation and constant emotional fatigue when you start to rely yourself and no one else. I’ve been told to “guard my heart” but for how long? How long until the emptiness and confinement become unbearable.
And once you stop letting people in…there’s a good chance very few will let you in either. I’ve found that trying to break down someone else’s wall is almost as painful as putting up your own.
It’s true that when one keeps another at arms length, they don’t get hurt. But let’s face it, pain in inevitable. Whether we like it or not, friends and loved ones come and go without warning. There’s no use in refusing to live life (fully) because of it.